25-years to life...
Perhaps to one who does not understand the love of
God, my life of 33 years might seem somewhat tragic. I am the product of a broken home and much abuse. Until age 9 I was raised
in a Catholic home where my father insisted on Catholic schools and going to Catholic church every Sunday for me and my brother.
I only recall one occasion that my father ever entered the church, that was my first communion.
I Was Sexually and Psychologically Abused
The abuse in my family was abundant and varied. My
mother experienced physical and psychological spousal abuse, my brother was also psychologically abused...and I was sexually
and psychologically abused. My parents divorced but life didn't get better, it even got more difficult. Each day was a struggle.
My mother was extremely "stressed" trying to raise two children and trying to recover from her own traumatization. Religion
at this point in my life was somewhat chaotic, as my mother and I both went in search for God.
Unfortunately, we looked in all the wrong places. Instead
of picking up a bible, we entertained Jehovah's Witnesses with all their `little books and new concepts.' We only got more
confused. After a while we became distressed and disinterested and we stopped looking for God completely!
Soon after my mother started dating the man who would
become my step-father. He introduced us to the United Methodist Church. We attended as a family of four faithfully for over
a year. Though a good man and an earnest Christian, my step-father backslid. Gambling began to consume his time, the horse
races, the games and other forms of gambling. This worked to dismember our family.
I Turned to Drugs and Alcohol
My mother went with him more and more and they were
out of town a lot. I felt alone and abandoned by my parents...and, by God. I turned to drugs and alcohol as a teenager. I
was in search of love, security, and acceptance. I ended up with the "wrong crowd!" Many of my associates were heavily involved
with astrology, the occult, drugs, and acts of vandalism.
I began to look for answers for many questions in
these occultic activities -- drugs, ouija boards, tarot cards, witchcraft, fortunetellers -- the whole gamut. Before I became
involved in any of the occultic rituals -- sacrifices and sex -- my `friends' my friends were involved in, my parents moved
to another state. I am so thankful as I look back on that area of my life, I am thankful I never took part in any of those
rituals!
Ten More
Years of Abuse
Not too long after moving I became involved with
a man twice my age. He was 33 and I was 16. What did I know? Our relationship lasted ten years. We married and brought two
lovely children into the world. The ten years were filled with vernal, physical and psychological abuse. You never get used
to it. The first 8-years he abused me and his two children (by a previous marriage), the last two years it got worse. He began
to abuse our two sons. He raped and sodomized me among other sexual abuses!
My husband cursed God. He would not allow me or the
children to attend church. He would not allow us to observe any religious practices in our home. He felt God had let him down
earlier in his life. He wanted nothing to do with God. I knew God was still there but I felt that since I had turned my back
on Him earlier in my life that surely He had turned away from me also.
You're Wondering, 'Why Did She Stay For Ten Years if She Was So Abused?'
I didn't really know what to do or where to turn.
I suppose you're wondering at this point in time, `Why did she stay for ten years if she was so abused?' Good question! I
did have some morals and I had enough of "religion" instilled in me that I believed marriage was `till death do us part' --
and I really did love my husband even though I feared him. I didn't know if maybe that's the way all marriages were, curiously,
I accepted it as sort of a package deal, you know, the good with the bad.
I made a commitment in matrimony, so I just stuck
it out. Amidst all of the abuse and fights there were also some good times. Fear is a powerful emotion, so I'm not really
sure which of my emotions kept me in the marriage - but for nine years there was much pain and uncertainty.
25-years
to Life in a New Year Prison
All of this sort of brings me to where I am today.
I am presently incarcerated at the Bedford Hills Correctional facility in Bedford Hills, New York, about 35 miles north of
New York City. I am serving a term of 25 years-to-life on charges in conjunction with murder of my husband. I did not kill
my husband, nor did I have anything to do with his murder!
My husband was shot to death by a young man, who
found out that my husband had been molesting his girlfriend and her best friend for several years. He was the fiance of one
of the girls that did baby sitting for us. He was on drugs at the time he killed my husband...he was also heavily involved
in the occult. It is impossible to explain such a complicated situation in a few paragraphs.
He Confessed To Lying Under Oath
The young man lied on the witness stand as he testified
against me at my trial. (I was charged with murder.) When caught up in his lies, he confessed to lying under oath - yet, still
I was convicted and sentenced to a maximum sentence. I have lost my husband through the murder...though abusive, he was the
only source of security I had ever known. I lost my home, my car, my land, all of my material possessions, my freedom, but
worst of all I lost my children.
For the
first 26-years of my life, everyone I loved or trusted either let me down or abused me in one way or another...right down
to a baby sitter who sexually abused me as a child of 11. You are expecting to hear now how bitter I am. All of these things
are true and yet. my heart is filled with joy and praise! What do I have to say about all that has happened to me? THANK YOU,
LORD! THANK YOU!
Box 575